"She hovered somewhere between the realest of realities...

...and the most blatant of impersonations." - F. Scott Fitzgerald



I have suprisingly little to say...I find myself to be extremely outspoken, especially for someone who grew up as if her mouth was zippered shut. I have an older sister, which meant that, growing up, whenever I tended to open my mouth, I got slammed down - yelled at, called stupid, that nothing I had to say mattered. That stuck with me for many years and I eventually evolved into that weird girl in class who never said anything....who just looked at people with this sort of fright in her eyes. Now I'm that girl in class who talks too much, who says some batshit crazy stuff on the first day, scaring all her classmates into a state of fear that anything they say will be carefully analysed and spat back out in some over-indulgent commentary on society.   I decided to switch my major to communications after weighing my strengths (talking to people, explaining things, winning arguments) and also what I enjoy doing (the aforementioned activities). My first day of public speaking, a number of nervous classmates got up in front of the class and sputtered out their names and described a turning point in their lives. I, cocky as can be, got up and went on an abbreviated rant about rape in our culture. The entire class, professor included, stared back at me from their desks in some sort of fearful shock, probably thinking, "Who the Hell is this nutso feminist and why is she claiming that rape exists in this classroom, on this campus, in our society?" I was probably a bit too intense for the first day of classes, but when I went through a list of "turning points in my life", my exposure to the normalcy of rape in our culture was extremely eye opening. It was the only thing I could really think of saying without sounding totally fake and shallow...like my mind was some hollow cave where real thoughts bubbled up here and there but never really took form.   I waltzed into my analysis of argument class yesterday and did the same thing - went on some long winded rant about why I think the world is becoming a better place, citing the Lily Ledbetter Act, Healthcare Reform, and the more recent knowledge of the destruction of our planet (and subsequent efforts to change our ways). I talk extremely fast and when I sat back in my chair, probably red in the face and out of breath, my mind racing with more things to add to my argument, several classmates let out a gasp of "Wow!"   I'm not in college to make friends, but seriously...sometimes I just need to bite my tongue.   It finally cooled down enough for me to wear a jacket and socks. Hurrah! Autumn may be on its way at last... (That said, they're saying it will be 90 on Tuesday, ye gods!)   I only have one class on Friday, so I decided to dress up a bit. I am wearing a skirt from the Zara Kids section which I bought in Lyon, a white blouse from my auntie, a blazer that I found a few years ago in the $5 section of H&M, a frog pin that I've had since a tot, an H&M beret, and black wedge booties from wholesale-dress.net. I also sported my new blue shoulder bag that is vintage Sears. Phew! I don't usually go over every detail of my outfits but I felt compelled to for some reason...don't get used to it.   I think I come off as frightfully normal (or even poised) on this blog. The other night at work, I made some ridiculous impression of one of the security personel, wagging my arms around like a lunatic and bending my legs like I'm strattling a horse. I tend to do this a lot. And of course, all of my impressions of people are in the same dumb voice, slightly deepened and stupid sounding, like everyone I do an impression of has an IQ of 20. And I can't do an impression without bending my legs, jumping around while waving my arms. I really do not know what is wrong with me sometimes. I'm almost sure that all laughter I get as a reaction is actually just nervousness that I may kill them if they turn their back to me.   Anyways, it's time to stop over-analysing and get on with my big Saturday night spent on the couch watching The General and eating ice cream! Buster Keaton is really growing on me (at last!) but don't get me wrong...I'm a Charlie Chaplin girl through & through, always & forever...   And to finish with a smile!