Teen Witch

There's this completely weird "loss of youth" that I've been feeling lately. Youth being a sort of innocence, I suppose. I'm only 19, why am I feeling this? I feel like we live in a world that is in such demand of kids to behave a certain way and do certain things. A lot of this has to do with the root of all evil: boys.   I'm pretty sure my first boyfriend was a direct result of society telling me that if I didn't have a boyfriend or a first kiss or a first fuck by the time I was 16, then there must be something wrong with me. I don't think that, at that time, I really had any interest in any of that stuff...I just felt like if I didn't have any of it, then I wasn't pretty, I wasn't funny, I wasn't attractive. Because of this first boyfriend, I lost many of my good friends who I had true fun with. Who I stayed up late with, telling ghost stories, baking cookies, going on bike rides with, running through the streets just being wild and crazy. Instead, I became fixated on pleasing the other sex and never really getting anything in return.   Now I am past 19 and I realise that this was all very silly. I have no real interest in boys anymore. I have no interest in the same old same old. I have interest, instead, in doing my own thing. Doing what I want, being with whom I want, and not worrying about factoring in some other idiot along the way. I have much more interest in cultivating friendships with girls...With people who want more than some girl who will fawn over them and give them their body and their heart. I yearn for someone who seems to honestly care about what I'm saying and what I'm feeling.   Why should a 19 year old girl already even be at a stage in her life when she is saying this stuff? Isn't this much too young for this? Shouldn't this be stuff that I say when I'm 32 years old? It is so sad that we live in a culture like this - that demands so much from girls and that makes them feel like failures when they decide that these demands aren't reasonable.   But these days, I am young and I am free. I have cast this all off and have quit trying to meet the demands of society. Maybe it is too bad that I didn't figure this all out sooner. Maybe it is too bad that my heart and my body and my mind has had to already suffer from all this and can never really truly be innocent again. I suppose, for this, I am a teen witch. I yearn so badly to be a teenager, to be young and innocent, so I pretend to be, when really I know all these things that are past innocence and which stretch beyond the ability to be young and carefree.   For the first time in my teen years, boys are not playing a major role in everything I do and say and wear. This outfit is a great symbol of this. I am wearing what I want, not to look sexy or appealing, but to have fun and to be me.   This dress is from Fancytreehouse because I was crazy over the print and the cut. Whenever I wear it, I feel like I could be best friends with Angela Chase, sulking in oversized flannel and pouting about Jordan Catelano. I decided to layer it with this velvet top I found at a thrift store. It's so lovely and soft, hmmm black velvet, you soothe my soul.   Since I adore pattern mixing, and because I wanted something to offset the purple, I belted the dress with my fuzzy cheetah print belt from the secondhand store. I had been planning on discussing weight in this blog post, since I've been feeling extremely skinny and feeble lately, but since I started the post out with a rant, I should probably save this one for another day.   Okay, I had orinigally typed out this huge long thing and then decided to delete it and truly save it. More on this weight-y issue later, in the meantime, a smile:  
I suppose I was feeling extra witchy today, since I wore my Betsey Johnson spider necklace. I love this necklace but never tend to wear it. In fact, I wear the same 3 necklaces in constant rotation. Whenever I don't wear a necklace, I'm grabbing at my neck, searching for a chain to pull on and wrap my finger around. I think wearing necklaces makes me a bit less anxious. I've been pulling at this little rhinestone spider all day as I sat hunched over my homework.   I have written so much and am finally calm enough to turn in. I am even too tired to bother proof reading this. I can always do that tomorrow, but sleep must come now. Goodnight, dears xx