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A weird sense of melancholy has settled over today. I woke up to an empty house, listening to Arcade Fire and feeling like today would be the same old same old. I checked my Facebook after washing up, only to find that an old friend from middle school had died. I had sat with her in advisory when I was a shy, lost 6th grader and she was a loud, funny, and popular 7th grader. I always admired her greatly and knew she would do great things, so her passing shocked me and I haven't been able to get it out of my mind. I haven't seen her in years, but hearing about her death has reawakened some weird middle school memory in me, and has left me with a numbness towards time. Thus, most of today has been wasted with me sitting in the kitchen staring off into nothing, barely moving, barely feeling.
I didn't have any plans for today, anyway. The rest of my week is packed with work, doctor's appointments, coffee with friends, and whatever else I can squeeze in. My boyfriend called to say that he wouldn't be around till the evening, so I decided to take some photos, like I used to do. I used to spend all day wandering around with my camera, taking photos of myself or my dog or icicles on the roof. It's been awhile. I'd forgotten how good it felt to not be taking specifically "blog outfit" photos where I'm freezing, awakardly being watched by the neighbours, and focusing so hard on looking good and showing off my clothes. I should get my camera out more often. How do I even express myself these days? I used to get all my emotion out in my photos... These days, I sleep. I eat. I lay on the couch and watch Law & Order. Occasionally I write in my Felix the Cat journal, but even that has fallen to the wayside. All my writing was repetitive anyways, I don't think it even helped.
These photos helped. This big cozy sweater from Eddie Bauer helped. Pulling on these socks, warming my toes, and curling up on the steps to stare at white walls helped. It's time to get back in touch with myself. To feel again. As Charlie Chaplin wrote, "We think too much and feel too little." I need to remind myself of that sometimes.
Taking these photos, sitting in my kitchen feeling empty, hearing from my boyfriend, it all reminded me that it's my natural tendancy to push people away. I isolate myself without realising what I'm doing. I've been having anxiety over this whole new "boyfriend" thing. I keep wanting to call him up and tell him I can't do it. I'm crazy about him, but it's my natural tendancy to feel like I need to be completely alone, independent of everyone, regardless of how much I like them. I've been working hard on overcoming that. But how does one overcome that, besides constantly fighting with themselves, telling themselves that their natural instinct is wrong and will only put them back in the same place as always.
It's time to break out of this melancholy. I think it's time to go hug my puppy, take a walk, paint, and watch Fred Astaire movies. It's time to do something with my day, besides stare into the nothingness and feel miserable in my self-imposed isolation. What do you do to make yourself happy?
It's hard to believe that this is my first update for 2013. The year has hardly begun and it's already had its ups and downs. I have two reasons for not updating. One being that work has been crazy and I've been getting 40 hours (the next couple of weeks are different, and I see some blog time in the future!). The other reason is that a boy officially has the title of Chloe's Boyfriend, and thus, I've been spending time with the boy with that lucky, lucky title.
This goes hand in hand with one of my resolutions. I hate calling it a resolution. It's more like a promise to myself... I haven't had that many previous relationships because I really just am not relationship girl. I like dating around, I like having variety. I throw away boys like disposable napkins - which is to say, they don't last long. So my "resolution" of sorts is composed of two promises. The first being, I will cut out all the stupid excuses I make to not commit. I will not have such stupid, fluff priorities or expectations in those I date (e.g. must be at least 6'2", must own a car, must be 8+ years older, etc). I will not continue to tell myself that I don't need a man companion and that I find enough companionship in myself (I don't know if this is necessarily untrue, but it's a stupid reason to cheat yourself out of love). The second part of this promise is that I won't become boyfriend centric once one comes along (which one has!). After my past 3 relationships, I have spent the months following trying to catch up with all the friends I ignored, saving up money I spent or did not make, and trying to get my GPA back up to its former glory, all of which is a result of my stupid (and fruitless) dedication to previous boyfriend/worthless schmuck.
I didn't expect to be putting this "resolution" to the test so soon in 2013, but I am and so far, so good.
I'm pretty sure that every year I also make the promise to myself that I will not take myself too seriously, especially over stupid things. I hate cheating myself out of fun because I'm too worried over what people think about me. Because of this little promise, I always start the year off by dressing really fun and however I want. I haven't done an outfit retrospective yet, but 2012 was fun. I didn't take my outfits too seriously and tried new things. I think 2013 will be even better!
Today was fun. I got this jumper in the mail from Fancy Treehouse and wanted to wear it! I like the juxtaposition of florals against the snow in winter. I layered it with my H&M kids Batman sweater and belted it with a belt I found at Blacklist Vintage. Oh, and then my usual fuzzy cardigan went on top, along with cheetah print tights from Target and boots from ModCloth. Oh, and one of my four knit hats. I don't know how I've been living in Minnesota for so long but hardly have any winter hats.
I look like a 5 year old, but oh well. At least I don't talk like one!
Today was my first day free of boyfriend or work, so I spent it catching up with an old friend from high school, drinking coffee in the back of a coffee shop that only employs stupid, pompous, greasy 20-something boys. I swear, I avoid that place because of how obnoxious all the employees are. I always walk in there happy and friendly, and they treat you like you're so much more below them because you have clean hair and are not wearing an obscure band tee shirt. All that aside, it was nice to catch up with an old schoolmate. Wait, wait - is this my "resolution" already being successful? Yes, I think it is.
I also stocked up on toiletries for 2013. I better not need any more lotion, deodorant, conditioner, or mascara for the rest of the year.
Tomorrow I'm going ice skating with my friend Carrie and her boyfriend...oh and my boyfriend. How weird! I keep forgetting I have one! It's also nice that he seems open to the prospect of double dates. The last one was fully opposed to mingling with any of my friends (he seemed to believe that he was better than any of them). I'll try to remember to bring a camera for photos - ice skating is such fun! I'm going to wear a dress so that when I twirl around, the skirt will fly out and I'll get to pretend I'm an Olympic skater and each skirt-twirling gets me closer to the gold! Take care & stay warm xx
