Thursday, October 10, 2013

maybe you're right

I've been depressed about how little I've been able to blog in the past couple of months. I've been a bundle of nerves lately and haven't been very active - not wanting to go take photos, not even wanting to write. I've just been speechless and feeling a little bit lost about things going on in my life.
A very important person in my life has been struggling with drug addiction. For more than a month now, this person has been stealing from me, my friends, and my family, and lying to me about everything. It's been really tough on me because I rely on this person for a lot, including comfort and companionship. It's difficult when someone who you trust in such a way completely betrays you, when their behaviour is erratic and mean, and you have to completely worry about their safety all the time, checking up constantly and going crazy with anxiety every time you don't hear back. It's been tough on me, and it's been going on for too long. I've lost a lot of weight, dropping back into the 85 pound range, losing sleep, grinding my teeth, breaking out with acne, losing hair...the list goes on. I even bit a massive hole in my tongue out of anxiety. However, I am happy to say that this person has made the courageous decision to give up everything and go back into rehab. I feel like the most giant weight has been lifted off my chest and I am finally free to enjoy my life again.
When I was telling this person how I've been feeling due to their substance abuse, they said to me, "You care too much." I didn't know what to say. This wasn't something that I was ever taught as a child. I care too much. It is possible to care too much. I was floored. I was hurt and confused. What do you say to that? How does someone care too much for another person? I don't think that this person meant it in a mean way, but it's hard to tell. Addicts are selfish and perhaps this person was just displacing the blame, but I haven't been able to shake it ever since it was said to me. I care too much. Like that's a thing that people can do. People can care too much.
I don't know if I can quit caring about this person. I don't even know if I can start caring less about this person. You're never taught how to care less about something. You're never encouraged to care less about something. This is going against everything that I've ever known. But, at the very least, I can take comfort in knowing that this person is in a safe spot. Last night I was able to go out with an old friend and see Blitzen Trapper play First Ave. I'm thinking about getting my nose pierced, too. I've been wanting to do it for awhile but couldn't with my last job. Maybe I will now; It's all me time! It's time to care more about myself and less about this other person.
I'm starting this new phase of my year - of caring more about myself - by blogging! My goal is to blog at least twice a week. I used to love allows my thoughts to untangle from my mind and I can interact with all sorts of new people and new perspectives. I was scrolling through some older blog posts from last autumn and was reminded of how freeing blogging is for me.
Anyways, I'm excited to show off this bad ass new denim jacket courtesy of White Crow. It's super cozy, has great pockets, and an awesome faded print of the U.S. flag on the back. You can find it to buy online here. Totally saaaaweeeeet and definitely getting me back in the mood to wear denim. I see denim on denim in my near future....
I called out of my internship yesterday (when I took these photos) because I just had too much work to do, but that also meant that I got to dress fun and perhaps semi-trashy for class! Usually I have to dress for the office, since I work in one, so I was excited to have fun and dress like an actual college kid. I got this new Phoenix faux leather jumper from Sway Chic which is like a total dream. They have lots of great new stock in and it's making me wish I had income!
This hieroglyphic crop top is also from Sway Chic because I just couldn't help myself. Not exactly perfect for the office but still, SO COOL. I skipped on the matching leggings. 
These past couple months have been tough on me but one thing that's been sustaining me - the promise of graduation looming in my near future! Only 8 and a half weeks of class left! I don't think I have any finals (the true beauty of only having papers) so I'm completely done after that! Like, forever. No more undergrad! Life is beautiful.
Oh, but then it'll be full swing job hunting, resume re-working, and student loan re-paying.
Thanks once again to White Crow for the beautiful jean jacket, and to my friends over at Sway Chic for stocking equally great goods.
And now begins my time to pamper myself! What sort of things should I do with my new found freedom of caring (almost) only for myself? xx


Milex said...


Anonymous said...

I can see how skinny you are now, and so sorry to read it's due to such a heavy problem.

I don't even know how I'd feel having a loved one going through this stuff - all drug users I know are "social" ones, so hooray for that (or not? hahah)

Also, I think it's weird to associate you to sponsored observations like the ones in the post, but anyway... Of course you have all the right to do it, but you know when something is just weird to you? Yeah. ;) All the best to you, girl.

Sonya Mann said...

It's great that you're prioritizing yourself and looking after your own health, mental and otherwise! I hope your friend makes positive changes and moves toward recovery.

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Janey said...

I've been following you for awhile now and I'm so sad to hear that you were going through this. I'm so happy that the person went back to rehab and that you can focus on yourself again. What I would do is have a completely lame girl's night for myself. I'd put on a face mask, take a bath, put on warm pajamas, watch cheesy "chick flick" movies like the Heathers or something and eat junk food.

Also, I love this outfit so much. ♡♡

Meli said...

I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this. I grew up with an addicted parent, and went through a lot of what you're describing my whole life. Things had been going well for the last couple years, but he recently relapsed. AA has a lot of resources for family members, if you want to look through that. I've never benefitted from that, but that doesn't mean you wouldn't find it valueable. Also, if you need to talk to someone who gets it, I'm commenting through google and so you should be able to click through to my email eventually, feel free to contact me. Addiction is a family disease, and there's really no way to be around it and not be affected. I hope you're able to start feeling better soon, and I hope rehab works for your family member!

Allison said...

I read your blog regularly and think you're such a sweet girl! I'm so sorry that you're dealing with the pain of an addict. I feel that while saying you "care too much" is a harsh overstatement, a better way to put it may be that you're making this person too much of your own responsibility. It is not your job to fix them, help them, obsess over their every move... In fact, you cannot fix or help them as it is something the addict must do on his or her own. To put yourself through so much misery and anxiety on their behalf is only hurting you, and right now, they don't care about you or anyone other than themselves. It sucks, but if they won't respond to you, it is NOT your job to worry yourself sick about where they are or what they are doing. It is your job to accept that their life is in their hands and the best you can do is love them. You cannot save them, you can only love them. A very hard truth to accept. Trust me, I have an incredibly depressed/self-injurious/suicidal friend whom I had tried to save for years and years despite the awful toll it took on myself. Love yourself first, Chloe, care for yourself first so that you are able to love this person in their time of need. Also, like another commenter said, AA has a program called Al-Anon for family and friends of addicts that some find very helpful. Or, there is a book, Beautiful Boy, about a father's struggle with his son's meth addiction. The son, Nic Sheff, wrote his own story, Tweak, that is also a fabulous read. Both offer great insight into addiction and the struggle and pains. I wish you the very best as you work through all of this, and congrats on being almost finished with school! As a recent grad myself I am finding living in "the real world" to be daunting and exciting! And, as always, I just love your outfit!

Anonymous said...

Chloe, Caring less is NOT taught to anyone. Unfortunately it is a part of life for most people. It is also refered to as pessimism. Keep caring! I know you do.
Keep optimistic. Good thoughts CAN heal, if not your friend, than maybe you.
Please remember "You can't save people that don't want to be saved".

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Laura Whitman said...

First of all, I want to say that I absolutely love this outfit - the jumper is perfect and the jean jacket is a perfect touch.

Secondly, I'm sorry to hear about your loved one and I hope that it all works out in the end. I think you definitely can "care too much" when you forget that you need to take care of yourself as well. I hope that you take some "you time" because you are definitely worth it!