Thursday, October 25, 2012

various.

Before I get to the actual "meat" of this post (don't you just hate that saying?), let me start off by apologising for the horrid quality of these photos. I took them Tuesday night (okay, it was more around 3:30 or 4pm, which isn't really night) when it was rainy and cloudy out. I didn't want to face the crummy weather, so I sought refuge on my porch. That backfired because the lighting was dreadful and I ended up setting the ISO to 400, f/4.0, and the shutter at about 4/1000. If I had been smart, I would've switched out the lens to something where I can bump the f-stop to 1.5 or so, but I wasn't thinking. Anyways, this is now getting extremely technical. The bottom line is: these photos are horrible quality. I tried to get the graininess out best I could, but my face was usually a massive blur in most of these takes. Eh, faces are overrated anyways.
 
So speaking of horrid weather: it snowed today. I love the snow, don't get me wrong, but I left the house today without checking the weather (FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE) and realised that the 50-something degrees I thought it would be was actually more like 30-something, not to mention it was raining and super windy. I left the house wearing a dress, my yellow raincoat, and some oxfords. Everything about what I was wearing was completely wrong and, as a result, I turned into a human popsicle. Oh yeah, it also started snowing mid-way through my first class and so I was that dumbass walking around in the snow wearing a yellow rain jacket. It's not easy being Minnesotan.
 
Anyways, now that I got the weather out of the way, time for the "good" stuff. I've been in a super grungey, lazy mood lately, and this outfit was no exception. I'm completely obsessed with the new jacket froom J.J. Basics that my mum bought me. I want to wear it everyday. I want to sleep in it. I want to have its babies. I kept things pretty simple since I knew it was dreary outside (I'm definitely not the type to wear bright colours on an overcast day...or ever....)(yellow rain jacket aside) so I wore a black velvet top from the thrift store, my usual cut offs, cheetah print belt, and shoes from wholesale-dress.net.
 
This grunge look is completely matching my mood. I'm so anti-social sometimes. Or all the time. My job requires me to happily engage with everyone who comes by (I do guest services for a major business) but when I'm at home, on campus, commuting, etc. I am Miss Grumpy. I like to be alone with my music, my books, my movies, myself, what have you. If it wasn't for my job or the internet, I'd probably have little to no contact with the outside world.
 
So speaking of, there's a guy who often rides the same bus as me who's taken to talking to me about politics. Which I guess I don't mind too much. I'm burnt out on politics to the max, but he's always seemed like a perfectly nice man. Well, I was talking to him today and he paid me the compliment of telling me that I was very different from most other people, in the way I articulated myself and the way I thought about things. It was a compliment, he said it in a very nice way. But it got me thinking of two things:
 
a. I'm frequently fascinated by certain people. The way they think, the way they present themselves, etc. It's the type of fascination where you hold onto everything they say and do, memorising it to a T and then playing it over and over again in your head. There've been several people who've caught my interest in such a way. I suppose this man on the bus was sort of implying a similar thing about me... I have always wondered if I piqued other people's interests in the same ways that they do mine.
 
b. I've never been comfortable with receiving compliments, especially of a cosmetic nature. I'm never comfortable with boys (or men) telling me I have perfect legs, or a great figure, or that I'm sexy, or anything of that sort. I'm not even comfortable with my boyfriends paying me such compliments. I find them degrading, even if they're not meant to be. I'd much rather have someone compliment me for my mind, my personality, for me being me. Looks can change. I'll put on a bit of weight or I'll wear clothes that don't show off my figure, I'll have a bad hair day or my skin will break out, and then you're left wondering if you're still attractive, if that other person still finds you sexy or appealing. I don't like to be made to feel like an object of beauty, sex, or attraction. It's polarising, it doesn't make me feel very human. But when people compliment me on my personality, my sense of humour, my thoughts, it makes me feel human. It makes me feel appreciated and gives me a sense of security.
 
This may not be anything revelutionary to a lot of people, but after talking to this man on the bus, I thought about it on my walk home (in the snow) and was so elated to finally be able to put words to my feelings. For years, I've always felt uncomfortable when various boyfriends have told me I'm sexy, etc. and of course this has always inspired some sort of guilt for feeling this way. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest, now that I can finally explain myself. It's a great feeling, isn't it?
 
I've joked in the past about re-naming this blog Minnesota Weather and Occasional Personal Style Blog, but now I'm thinking that something more like Outspoken 19 year old's Unapologetic Thoughts on Society and Adolescence would be more appropriate.
 
I'm pretty sure I'm scaring all of my "friends" away because of my outspokeness. I just have a lot on my mind.
 
Anyways, it's getting late! I spent the evening trying to do a homework assignment, and instead getting nowhere (and watching That '70s Show). I'm now listening to Christmas music and realising that it is only 2 months till Christmas! How wonderful to think about. Anyways, time to jump into bed and watch Harold Lloyd silents! Till next time, friends, stay warm xx

7 comments:

rachel said...

you can get on a soapbox all you want! I'll still read.

Jamie Rose said...

Well I love reading your rants and stories so go right ahead!
I'm glad you can find some pleasure in complements on your appearance, because I'm sure most of the time they're not meant to be degrading. I definitely understand the higher value of compliments based on your mind and personality though and prefer those. But I definitely won't reject a comment about me looking nice!
I get fascinated by certain individual people. I also love to learn about different life styles and cultures and just the general differences between people. I get annoyed by people as a whole though. People in general suck in my book, but a person can be awesome. It's a very strange thing, but I'm sure I'm not the only person who feels this way!

lolakate said...

absoultely this love outfit. and im my eyes your photos are perfect, i wish i could take beautiful photos like this x

marldance said...

Was trying to explain all the things you said in point B durring a fight with my boyfriend last night. Now instead of trying to explain myself I can just send him that so thanks! You're such an eloquent writer so feel free to rant away!

Milex said...

another speechles look.

Kaitlyn said...

just so you know, i came here originally around two years ago for your fashion, but have stayed for your wise words and passion! (also obviously because i still like how you dress!)

Kaitlyn said...

scratch that, it was actually three years ago i believe! how strange.